CONFESSIONS OF A GARDENER

I am neither
neat nor clean
when I garden.

Mud caked on her shoes, wet up to her knees, wearing an absolutely filthy old white gardening shirt and requisite floppy hat.

Mea culpa! Folks, this is me last summer — dragging a heavy, potted bush on my grandson’s skateboard to its new destination (my, what a unflattering portrait!).

Indeed, I go to great lengths in this quest to create my own personal Garden of Eden.

When I garden, I leave tools in my wake (good thing they have red handles which are easily spotted!), empty pots, stacks of spent verdure from crowded beds. It is not uncommon for me to lose track of at least one garden glove which usually, on a good day, turns up under a pile of debris and on a contrary day never turns up. Thus, I have a bucket in the shed half-filled with mismatched gloves. Yup, one can never tell when a spare glove might come in handy! Thankfully, my local hardware store sells great leather garden gloves at a reasonable price.

My closet contains a collection of disreputable garden hats – cloth, straw, all wide-brimmed. Great for sun protection and camouflaging bad hair! But no matter the hat, my hair inevitably becomes decorated with bits of twigs and leaves. After a long day of gardening, the proclivity to bash my head on random objects cannot be disguised. My daughter sighs, “Mom, it looks like you walked into a tree branch again!” Which I did. Ouch.

Single-minded gardeners like me collect all sorts of interesting items to help actualize a personal oasis — decrepit garden clothes, cherished old hand tools brim full of memories, shovels and garden forks and pitch forks, that especially narrow transplanting spade which belonged to my father, repurposed five-gallon paint buckets, rusty wheelbarrows, and even a discarded skateboard belonging to my grandson. Nonetheless, owning all the right implements never guarantees a successful garden. 

In the end, if you would garden well, you must SEE. You must get messy, get in the trenches with your beloved plants, delve deep —
     plunge your hands into the soil
     experience their vegetative lives at eye-level,
     learn their stories, truly see and begin to love those
     dark and secret subterranean realms where miracles happen.

In so doing, you find that soil quality matters.

On my little plot of land in Arvada, I learned long ago that the soil strongly inclines toward — ahem — heavy. A euphemism for pretty darn lousy. Dig deep enough, and you come up with pure yellow clay suited for a potter’s wheel. That any plant will grow in such muck is purely miraculous.

Not so vegetables, which steadfastly refused to thrive in my garden without major intervention, in spite of talking nicely to them and loudly singing classical music out the kitchen window. During my earthy, back-to-basics years, even though I dug in loads of manure and compost, carrots came out of the ground squat and crooked — interesting but definitely weird.  In desperation, one year I contravened accepted practice and dug in several tons of sand to loosen up the clay-based topsoil. It worked! My garden prospered in friable soil and brought forth riotous, exuberant fruit in season.

Over 42 years, my garden has known may faces (a gardener’s prerogative) — developing from mostly grass with a few modest vegetables to commodious double-dug, raised veggie beds and a yard bordered by trees and bushes. Finally, when I embarked upon a full-time career outside the home, my style morphed from veggies to easy-care perennial beds accented by pots full of bright annuals. And — yes! — more bushes and trees. (My son-in-law, who sometimes gets the brunt of planting large, heavy, woody-type items for me, has technically banned me from planting more bushes, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him . . . )

Gardening is a fluid pursuit, the gardener attaining beauty not just by order and planning but by solicitude — observing growth habits, skillful pruning, intimate knowledge of root and stem and leaf and bud — plus, for me, a distinctly laissez-faire approach, with the result that my garden looks a bit wild. And I exult in wild!

Foliage intermingles
scarlet bee balm nudges yellow yarrow
splashy pots of geranium and petunias punctuate low-growing sedum
     as it creeps mysteriously under roses
Cool caladium waves in the shadows

Bushes become tall hedges
leafy tree branches arch over lazy afternoon picnics
Ash and hawthorne join crooked fingers overhead
     in intricate latticework

My granddaughter kindly refers to this messiness as my “English garden.” Purposely, I allow perennials go to seed or spread via rootlets. Thus, each year I have a succession of hardy little sprouts coming up hither and thither — between stepping stones, in the grass, among the roses, in the mulch – superabundant LIFE! And I simply cannot waste that heavenly vitality! Jupiter’s beard, lamb’s ear, striped grass, cinnamon vine, valerian, Russian sage, Bluebeard, and — rolling off the tongue! — cerastium tomentosum, commonly known as “snow in summer” (I do love the Latin plant names) – the list goes on. Without fail, every growing season I ply my long-suffering friends and family with pots crowded full of eager gleanings, tiny leaves held aloft in prayerful couplets.

I will never get over gardening.
My father was a gardener.
I am a gardener.

My heavenly Father —
     Jehovah God
Adonai, Yeshua, Lord and Savior
is The Gardener

With an infinite solicitude that conquered my heart –
El Roi saw me
     delved deep in search of my soul
     loved my dark and shabby and secret places
     got in the trenches with me, experienced my life and learned my story
El Shaddai paid the ultimate price
     spent His very life’s blood for me
transplanting me from muck into the richest of soils
that I might become a green tree
planted by rivers of water
bringing forth fruit
in season *

In the Restoration of All Things, I want nothing more than a plot of land – a Garden! – nothing more than to be a gardener.

What better way to spend eternity?

* Psalm 139 and Psalm 1

**Visit my other website – RuachArt.com – where I share my adventures in watercolor.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,
the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world.”
– C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

TULIPS

the throb and beat of spring
          pulsing on the breeze
                   surging underfoot

Tulips in Snow

bloodred tulips thrusting boldly through snow
root and bulb cradled in rich sienna earth –
newly sprung
crimson messengers to a world too long grey and dead

heartbeat
lifeblood from the deep
bursting winter’s iron bands

resurrection that cannot be gainsaid
whelming death at last

foretelling

Jane Banzhaf
© 2013 – All rights reserved

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,
the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world.”
– C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

**Visit my other website – RuachArt.com – where I share my adventures in watercolor.

WAITING

Since Sunday evening,
it’s been snowing off and on . . .

. . . just now a lovely and very respectable swirl outside my kitchen window lightly coats the sidewalks that I just cleared this morning, dusts bare branches, creates delicate white fans on dark evergreen boughs.

Every February seems – to me, at least – the very longest month of the year, an endless expanse of waiting between glittering January and gusty March, hovering between frozen splendor and the drumbeat of spring.

And I hear that distant thrum and chafe for The Revealing – The Restoration, of which earthly spring is but a lovely foretelling.

Nevertheless, earthly spring will do for now!

Revelation 21:1-4

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

**Visit my other website – RuachArt.com – where I share my adventures in watercolor.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,
the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world.”
– C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Seedlings

In a blizzard
the seed catalogs arrive in my mailbox

just on the heels of Christmas
but a breath after winter solstice

Wintry Bench – original watercolor by Jane Banzhaf

Guerney
Burpee
oversized catalogs sporting lush vermilion Beefsteak tomatoes on the cover
wonders in newsprint on whose pages I find 
Garden of Eden
handprint of
God

Abandoning breakfast dishes
allowing children to scatter willy-nilly into mischief
I sit down at my sturdy oaken table
     smooth catalog pages a bit flatter over worn golden surface
bend close to discern
sheen of fruit
curl of leaf

In the space of a breath –

Just outside my kitchen window
     akin to resurrection!
brave seedlings peek from winter-tilled soil
     bold radish, feathery carrot tops
     lettuce, beets, spinach
couched and coddled in tenderly prepared beds
bright red Swiss chard piercing
late March snow

April rainbow splashes heavenly promise across damp sky
     breezily intoxicated with scent of apple blossoms
snap peas climb skyward in dizzying profusion – Up! Up!
tendrils twining trellis with iron grip
fat, sugary pods dripping down in May
perfect for sunny midmorning snacks
bite-size for childish fingers

Mid-June and all manner of squash –
     zucchini and acorn and hubbard
gambol across mulch carefully pulled up to their knees
elbow exuberantly into staid peppers
flaunt exotic orange blossoms
freely shade roots of
runner beans

Elegant English cucumbers – always burpless!
set slim viridian fruit ‘neath modest vines
     drink thirstily in burgeoning heat
     crisply grace my salad bowl
Silver Queen cornstalks reach knee-high by Fourth of July
silky tassels promise fat amber kernels in August
bursting with sweetness

And the light begins to change

Burnished sunbeams gentle a glorious autumn
cherry tomatoes lavishly proffer final crimson gift – 
     high summer distilled into miniature wine skins
knobby winter squash blush ruddy through crumbling vines
shabby now
the garden
settles
into
rest

A wintery blast shakes the eaves
I stir in my chair, lay down my pencil, look up from 
     order forms
     garden maps and lists
     catalog pages with bent corners and circled favorites
to see my children gathered ‘round me with hungry eyes

Noon already!

Smiling, I draw my seedlings closer
tuck sweaters more closely about their small bodies
against bitter January chill fingering through unseen cracks
hold out precious catalogs laden with summer
as if holding out food and drink
and say to them –

“See, my little ones?
It’s a miracle!
’Twill not always be winter.
In a breath – and I have it on the best Authority –
     the Word of The Gardener –
Spring is coming!”

**Visit my other website – RuachArt.com – where I share my adventures in watercolor.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,
the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world.”
– C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity



Huh?

“HUH ???” – Original watercolor by Jane Banzhaf

Huh?  Here I am, launching a blog. Yes, it is I – A Colorado girl born and bred, steeped in the independent spirit of the Wild West, who vowed that she would never, ever blog.  What happened?

Mr. Turkey is an ungainly and seemingly a quite silly sort of creature.  Little head, big body, floppy red wattle.  However, in late August I have seen a flock of great, wild turkeys take to a fruit-laden tree, their great bodies bending the branches, frenzied in their passion to make provision against the coming winter, just as God created them to do.

For what am I created?  What is MY passion?

For many years the Lord has been speaking gently into my head, leading me through His Word, nudging me through His incredibly beautiful creation, through family and friends, through the chance encounter in a grocery store aisle, through the life cycles of my beloved gardens , through great authors and poetry – words and phrases and ideas rattle around in my head all the time, jostling for position and substance, begging to be realized upon the page.  My life is routinely derailed by the absolute need – not just the desire, but the NEED! – to sit down and write.  Often in the morning I retrieve and decipher with difficulty scribbled sticky notes pasted to my headboard, remnants of midnight epiphanies.  Church bulletins and scraps of paper from the wastebasket serve as receptacles for outlines and precious thoughts lest they slip away forever. I forget to eat when I am writing. And I have felt a little weird about this – rather like a closet writer addicted to the turn of a phrase.

With no prior warning, I routinely must abandon chores on the spot – dishes in the sink, vacuum standing in the middle of the living room – in order to write.  Donning my favorite old grey sweater and fuzzy slippers, I  head for the kitchen table, my wonderful little iPad in hand, settle before the big kitchen window as my world pours forth upon the worn oak tabletop – and I am lost in time. 

Over many years I have accumulated a dusty archive of my writings, many of which took shape during the last four years of retirement.  Infrequently, I have shared some of my work with family and close friends for critique or to encourage them, but the thought of exposing my work to public scrutiny was daunting – my work was not ready nor was my heart.  Upon retiring, my intent was to spend more time especially with my rapidly maturing grandchildren (indeed, time seems to run faster and faster), to delve deeper into ministry, to pursue more intensely studies in my chosen medium of watercolor – and to write.  Ah, now there was the rub.  In literary terms I was green, so very green. I needed tutorials and resources to bridge the gap between my private writing and the skill I hoped to achieve, but most of all I needed real people to guide me as I struggled with my motivations and goals in writing. 

Voila! The age of instant information prevails!  I “googled” for a Christian writers’ group in the Denver area, and Writers On the Rock popped up in premier position on my computer screen!  Four years ago, I attended my first WOTR conference and was completely blown away. There I was, in a large room filled with like-minded Christian writers, courageous people who shared my predilection for words, people who also experienced an undeniably God-driven need to write and write and write – people who roll words over their tongue, searching for just the right shape and sound to express a thought, people who think a thesaurus is dessert with whipped cream on top.

During the opening conference session, an arrow struck and quivered right between my eyes:  “If God has given you words to write, why aren’t you sharing them?”

Indeed – why?

Sadly, it took the death of a dear friend, a sister of the soul, for me to weigh anchor and start sailing.  An intensely honest and passionate woman, an artist, a retired nurse practitioner who used her knowledge and skills to further Christ’s kingdom, Helen graduated on December 30th into eternal life with a smile on her face.  During my last visit with her a few weeks earlier, her face shone with absolute radiance as she calmly spoke of meeting Jesus.  Her family reported that up until her death, though walking was nigh on impossible in her last weeks, daily she worked at at her sewing machine which faced out upon her beloved mountain meadow surrounded with aspen.  I knew how talented a seamstress Helen was and even own a couple of her creations, but only after her death did I discover her website – The Mountain Mitteneer – where she showcased her unique aprons and warm wool mittens. If she could do it, so could I!

And so my blog was born.

But – whence came GraceAjar? After diligently searching for a unique domain name, I had success with GraceAjar and was delighted with its succinct summary of my aim – to share the grace of God that pours through the cracks in my life.  But a funny thing happened on the way to my domain name. Into a Google search bar I typed “grace ajar,” just to make sure that I was not duplicating someone else’s business name. Up popped numerous websites referencing a tract written by John Bunyan and published in 1850 by the American Tract Society – “The Jerusalem Sinner Saved” – in which Bunyan writes that God “stands, at least, with the door of grace ajar in his hand.” I was humbled. The great writer had beaten me to the punch 169 years ago.  (See “The Delphi Complete Works of John Bunyan Illustrated,” by John Bunyan; tract titled The Jerusalem Sinner Saved, Application: Section 3; available online at https://books.google.com)

Nothing is new in this world, least of all the concept of the undeserved grace of God, whose Spirit – Ruach! Breath of God! – hovered over the face of the deep during creation and shaped man in His own image, giving us minds with which to think and eyes to see.  With great respect for my readers, I will endeavor to land on the fruit-laden branches of God’s grace and share the moments of my life where mundane collides with miraculous.  With ears to hear and eyes to see, who knows what wonders we will discover together? 

**Visit my other website – RuachArt.com – where I share my adventures in watercolor.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,
the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world.”
– C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity